|This Page is committed to making you laugh with good, clean, family, and church related jokes. Please feel free to email me any good jokes to add to this page. Please send just your first name and city where you are from and I will put you on the website. Enjoy!|
The Golden Telephone
A man in New York City decided to write a book about churches around
the country. He started by flying to San Francisco, and started
working east from there. Going to a very large church, he began
taking photographs and making notes. He spotted a golden telephone
on the vestibule wall and was intrigued with a sign which read
"$10,000 a minute."
Seeking out the pastor he asked about the phone and the sign. The
pastor answered that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to
Heaven and if he pays the price he can talk directly to God.
The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way. As he continued
to visit churches in Seattle, Atlanta, Greensboro, Chicago, Milwaukee,
and all around the United States, he found more phones with the same
sign, and the same answer from each pastor.
Finally, he arrived in Alaska. Upon entering a church in Anchorage, Alaska,
behold, he saw the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign read
"Calls: 35 cents."
Fascinated, he asked to talk to the pastor. "Reverend, I have been
in cities all across the country and in each church I have found this
golden telephone and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven
and that I could talk to God, but, in the other churches the cost was
$10,000 a minute. Your sign reads 35 cents a call. Why?"
The pastor, smiling benignly, replied,
"Son, you're in Alaska now..... it's a local call."
Added on Veteran's Day 11/11/05
Thank you to all of our Veterans!
A college professor, an avowed atheist, was teaching
his class. He shocked several of his students when he
flatly stated he was going to prove there was no God.
Contributed by Jim and Evelyn
If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this:
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
COSTELLO: For my office?
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START"...........
young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little and get your hair cut and we'll talk about it."
After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!"
The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair...."
To which his father replied...."Yes, and they WALKED everywhere they went!"
|The Christian Barber|
here was a barber that thought that he should share his faith with his customers more than he had been doing lately. So the next morning when the sun came up and the barber got up out of bed he said, "Today I am going to witness to the first man that walks through my door."
Soon after he opened his shop the first man came in and said, "I want a shave!" The barber said, "Sure, just sit in the seat and I'll be with you in a moment." The barber went in the back and prayed a quick desperate prayer saying, "God, the first customer came in and I'm going to witness to him. So give me the wisdom to know just the right thing to say to him. Amen."
Then quickly the barber came out with his razor knife in one hand and a Bible in the other while saying "Good morning sir. I have a question for you... Are you ready to die?"
She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.
On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.
On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells, dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning and mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.
Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit... Repairmen refused to work in the house...The maid quit... Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.
A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.
Word got out, and eventually, even the local realtors refused to take their calls.
Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place. The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said she missed her old home terribly, and would he be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back...
Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth... But only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork.
A week later, the man and his new girlfriend stood smirking as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home.......including the curtain rods !!!!
I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU????
Three guys die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule
here in heaven... don't step on the ducks. "So, they enter
heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they
try their best to avoid them, the first guy accidentally steps
on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman he ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says "Your punishment for
stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly
woman!" The next day, the second guy steps accidentally on a duck,
and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him
is another extremely ugly woman. He chains them together with the
same admonishment as for the first guy. The third guy has observed
all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly
woman, is very, VERY careful where he steps. He manages to go
months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St.Peter comes
up to him with the most gorgeous woman he has ever laid eyes
on ... a very tall, tan, curvaceous, sexy blonde. St. Peter chains
them together without saying a word. The guy remarks, "I wonder
what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
She says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."
A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved.
They boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.
The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?".
They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed. So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?"
The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time, dude. God is missing - and they think WE did it!"
Signs on Church Property
"No God -- No Peace. Know God -- Know Peace."
"Free Trip to Heaven. Details Inside!"
An ad for St.Joseph's Episcopal Church has a picture of two hands
holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and
a headline that reads, "For fast, fast, fast relief, take two tablets."
"People are like tea bags -- you have to put them in hot water before
you know how strong they are."
"God so loved the world that He did not send a committee."
"When down in the mouth, remember Jonah. He came out alright."
"Fight truth decay -- study the Bible daily."
"Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives"
"Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the
pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world."
"Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church."
"If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns."
"If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again."
"Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain eternal
fire insurance soon."
"This is a ch_ _ ch. What is missing?" ---------> (U R)
"Forbidden fruit creates many jams."
"In the dark? Follow the Son."
"If you can't sleep, don't count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd."
My Kid Said That?